He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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