Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
