just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
