dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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