There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize