i think my tv is drunk
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
