Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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