I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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