I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
