I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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