Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
