Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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