I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
