wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
