my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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