my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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