Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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