theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
