I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize