I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
