drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
