areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
