3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize