It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
