the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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