you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
