I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
