I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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