i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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