i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
