Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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