Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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