I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
