someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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