i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
