atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
