So drunk its hurt
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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