my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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