Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
