When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
