its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
