I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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