I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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