Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
