i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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