I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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