he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
