She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
