I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
