Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
