I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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