i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
