I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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