I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
