there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
