Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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